I am sure like everyone else you read and seen the pancake race that was cancelled due to “elf n safety” insurance and local authority or a combination of them all – have we all gone mad. As you know I am a safety consultant (with common sense) and this is what I think will be happening next year on pancake day all across the country.
PANCAKE MORNING – knock on my door. A man introduces himself as Mr Jobsworth from the council and he is the “elf n safety” inspector charged with making sure that Pancake Day was safe. With him was Ms Jones – from Politically correct section of the council. Mr Thomas was the camera man who was to accurately record that no violence or abuse occurred. Ms Corny was from the Insurance Company and finally Mr Dopey from the fire people. Mr Jobsowrth pointed out that in line with council policy all the various religions, political parties, sexual orientation, and nationalities were present thereby ensuring any decision they came to would be correct!!!!
Mr Jobsworth asked to be shown where I was going to make the pancake. He asked if I had an installation certificate from the gas board for connecting my cooker to the gas supply. As I didn’t have such he asked me to show him how I had connected the single pipe from the cooker to the mains at the rear of the cooker. He appeared happy with my connection but thought I have should have checked for leakage using a special fluid. I used Fairy washing up liquid – Ms Jones asked why I had chosen Fairy and did the name have any significance on how I thought of men who were attracted to other men!!
They asked to check my fire extinguisher to ensure it was of the correct type, checked in the last 12 months and make sure I was trained. As I was not trained on the use of the fire extinguisher they issued a prohibition notice on the fire extinguisher. This means if I do not get training and a fire starts in my house I can not use the extinguisher.
I was asked to wear safety goggles and flame retardant gloves when lighting the cooker. When I went to crack the eggs I was stopped as they did not have a Lion stamp on them with the date. I pointed out they were from next doors hens which were running around in a 5 acre field. Not good enough they said so I must go and purchase shop eggs.
When I started to use my electric whisk for the eggs I was told it was unsafe and as I had not been formally trained, it was not PAT tested then they were issuing a prohibition notice to me for the whisk. I got out my hand whisk and they asked me to make sure I had plenty of breaks, change hands when mixing as I faced a risk from Work Related Upper Limb Disorder.
Having put on my protective clothing I went to light the gas hob but was stopped. They then assemble behind large screen 6’ high to protect themselves from hot splashes. When I was given the Ok I cooked the pancake on one side. When I went to toss the pancake I was stopped. Mr Jobsworth explained that if it was to fall on my head it may injure me so therefore I need to wear a safety helmet. If the pancake fell on the floor it may make the floor slippy so I need to have wellington boots instead of trainers.
Having cooked the pancake without any serious injury Mr Jobsworth went to the front door and told the air ambulance it could return to base as no injuries had occurred!!
We went outside to where I had organised the run but they needed to check my risk assessment, insurance policy letter of authorisation from the council and to count I had three first aiders for every one person.
They checked the area for the race was flat, and when they found a bump I had to level the bump and make it flat. A small hole was found and I had to fill it with a quick drying epoxy resin. A final check with their spirit level said the course was OK.
On the whistle from Ms Jones a squad of council workers (3 supervisors, 2 workmen and 3 watchers with notebooks) started to put up chain fencing on either side of the race track to keep people from being mown down by the runners or even being hit by a flying pancake. Each runner had to produce the results of the full medical from their GP to show they were fit enough to run 60’ carrying a frying pan and pancake. Before the whistle was blown to start the race all participants and spectators were issued with a Tool Box Talk on noise and were told where the hearing protection was.
Ms Jones checked the forms that each participant had completed to ensure that overall the participants accurately mirrored the ethnic mix in the area. When this was completed the race was ready to start.
Mr Jobsworth on reading his risk assessment said that as people may fall they need to be inside some form of rubber/foam protection or we should cover the tack with foam.
We all now lost the will to live and decided that instead we would go to the pub and have a game of darts. Mr Jobsworth asked for risk assessment.
